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Many of the articles posted within the emotional feelings network of sites were found at the website above... thanks so much & be sure to visit
them! There's so much information to be found there!
kathleen
 Your Internal Feelings About Food & Weight from Dr. Phil's website
This exercise is designed to
help you turn back the clock & get to the heart of why you overeat. Get a pen & some paper & write down
your answers to the questions below.
1. When did you start using food for non-nutritional
reasons?
Why was it that you started
medicating yourself with food, taking care of yourself with food & comforting yourself with food?
Go back to that time &
write down what you were feeling & experiencing at the time.
2. Write down all
of the insecurities that you're feeling right now.
3. Now look at your answers to
question 1 & question 2 together. The answers to question two may be more specific because you don't have to remember
as far back, but do you see similarities?
4. Now take every comment, fear &
anxiety that you wrote down in response to questions 1 & 2 & challenge them. In writing. i.e., if one of your fears
is, "My spouse isn't really attracted to me because of my weight," challenge it by writing down a piece of evidence.
Evidence isn't, "Because
that's the way I feel." Write down any facts you have that can support your challenge. For example, "My spouse met, fell in
love with & married me while I was at my heaviest weight."
Challenge every fear
& negative thought you wrote down in this manner with facts you can support.
 Defining Your Internal Factors
from Dr. Phil's website:
Internal factors
are reactions that you create inside yourself in response to the world. Even though they happen inside you, it's best to think about them as behaviors because they're actions that you choose.
By choosing how to perceive
yourself, you can either behave your way to success or behave your way to failure; i.e., if you believe you're competent & special, you'll live up to that truth. If you believe you're incompetent & worthless, you'll live down to that truth.
The powerful internal factors that shape your self-concept are:
Internal Dialogue: This is the continuous conversation
that you have with yourself about everything that happens to you. This dialogue is constant, happens in real time (at the same rate at which you would speak the words aloud) & provokes a physiological change
(with each thought comes a physical reaction).
Labeling:
Humans tend to organize things into categories. We even categorize other humans by labeling them into groups, subgroups,
classes & functions. But were you aware that we label ourselves?
For better or worse,
these labels have a powerful impact on our perception of self because we tend to "live" the categories we've attached to ourselves ("I'm a loser" or "I'm a winner.")
Tapes: These are beliefs that have become so deeply ingrained that they "play" automatically in our heads & influence our behavior without our
awareness.
Unlike labels
("I never win"), tapes have context: "I won't get the promotion because
I never win." Tapes are dangerous & potentially self-defeating because they have the power to set you up for a specific outcome.
Fixed Beliefs / Limiting Beliefs:
Fixed beliefs are the beliefs we hold about ourselves, others & life's circumstances that have been repeated for so long they've become ingrained & are difficult to change.
 
Dads’ comments may push girls toward bulimia
Parental criticism & weight worries affect daughters from young age Updated:
6:37 p.m. ET Feb 8, 2007
NEW YORK - Fathers are important
influences on their daughters’ perceptions of their weight & shape during childhood & can increase their
risk of developing an eating disorder in adolescence, research shows.
“Fathers have been mostly ignored in previous research on eating disorders,” Dr. W. Stewart Agras, who led the research, told Reuters Health. Based on his findings, Agras said fathers “should
avoid criticizing their daughter’s weight or shape. Rather they should build up their daughter’s confidence by
emphasizing other positive attributes.”
Weight concerns & preoccupation with being thin, together with social pressure to be thin, are strong risk
factors for eating disorders in later adolescence.
In
an effort to throw light on what factors during childhood contribute to weight concerns & thin body preoccupation,
Agras & colleagues from Stanford Univ. in California followed 134 children (68 girls
& 66 boys) from birth to age 11 & their parents.
Annual
questionnaires beginning at age 2 assessed parents’ concerns about their children’s weight & eating
habits as well as their own weight.
The results show, Agras said, that “fathers are important in influencing their
daughters toward bulimia, particularly fathers who were overweight & wanted to be thinner.” These influences may be direct - such as criticizing the daughter’s weight
or shape - or indirect, by expressing their own concerns about weight & shape.
“Parents who exhibit concern or criticism about their daughter’s weight & shape & who push their
daughter toward dieting may increase the risk of their daughter developing bulimia,” added Agras.
‘Influences occur before adolescence’
The study also found that parental behaviors such as over-control of what their child eats, together with parent & peer pressure to be thin, also
raises the risk of eating disorders.
Importantly, this study shows that “all these influences occur before adolescence,”
Agras said.
 
It's Absolutely, Positively Not About Food (sm) - by Jane E. Latimer, M.A.
You’re reading
this article because you think you have a food or weight problem, right? And what if I told you, you’re wrong. Moreover, no matter how hard you try
to fix the problem by dieting, you end up failing. Why?
Because you haven’t
fixed the real problem.
If you're working
a diet program, working with a nutritionist, a 12-step program, or are in a spiritual-recovery group - good. Keep doing what you're doing. You don’t have to change a thing.
This
article will teach you about the 3 core issues underlying all food & weight problems - the issues that many
programs leave out. Just add these strategies to what you're already doing & you’ll be in good shape.
I lived for 20 years food obsessed. I've also lived for 20 years fully recovered. I can teach you how to be free. I’ve done it myself & I’ve helped many others like yourself.
And I’ll
tell you this, there isn’t a person out there that I’ve worked with that hasn’t had to address their core
underlying issues - fear & LACK.
That's why we cling
to weight, or cling to our obsessions or cling to our compulsions because we're desperately afraid of never being fulfilled.
And because it’s
a heck of a lot more comfortable to fight off food compulsion then to face the terror of our own unfulfillment, our own lack. You see, we all have a unique comfort range. It feels kind of safe, but it isn’t really.
It's simply familiar
& carries a sense of pseudo safety. Think of yourself as a caveman or cavewoman. Your food issues are your cave. You venture out into the scary big world & you have to face your own fears, right?
But snuggled up
inside your cave, you’re safe from harm.
Sorry. I wish I could tell you there was a kinder way, but I can’t. Your job is to face your fears. The good news is that you can learn to leverage these fears into what I call Power Drives.
You can actually
begin entertaining the thought of leaving your cave & building a beautiful home in the sunlit valley above. Most of us hide out in our caves - bury
our fears simply because we don’t know what to do with them.
After all, they’re
scary. It’s natural to run away when we see one. You run to food. No biggie. Other people run to other things. You just happen
to use your food obsessions to handle your fears.
In this article
I’ll start showing you HOW to stop turning to food, HOW to face your fears & better yet, how to use your fears to move you towards freedom.
What a power we all possess. We actually can turn our fears into our greatest allies, to help us attain what we’ve always wanted:
In 40 years of
working with this issue, I’ve broken-down the fear problem into 3 crucial mindsets that must be overcome. I call these the 3 Laws of Fear-Based Lack.
Fear-Based Lack is a devastating condition that results in thoughts, feelings & behaviors that create & re-create over & over again a chronic condition of underlying shame, struggle & inadequacy.
Fear inhibits our expression in such a way as to produce a deep & profound state of emptiness or lack.
The 3 Laws of Fear-Based Lack are:
- For every compulsive bite
& diet, there's an equal amount of repressed authenticity & aliveness.
- For every compulsive bite
& diet, there's an equal amount of repressed self-integrity & self-strength.
- For every
compulsive bite & diet, there's an equal amount of repressed self-nurture.
Whenever there's repressed
authenticity, integrity & nurture, there's a profound & deep pervading sense of lack. We use food to fill the void & cope with the terror that this underlying emptiness will never be filled.
For now, let’s explore each of the 3 above fears & learn how to begin leveraging ourselves out of our fears, underlying lack & resulting food/fat symptoms into alive, authentic living.
The 1st
Law of Fear-Based Lack is:
- For every compulsive bite & diet, there's
an equal amount of repressed authenticity & aliveness
As children, we're programmed
to absorb (like sponges) the beliefs & lifestyle of our parents & our culture. What we see around us is what we pattern ourselves after.
As new-born spiritual beings
we come into this world wide open -ready to explore & create. Instead, we're surrounded by the fear our parents & society have already internalized.
Our little sponge-self absorbs the fear & takes on the fear reality. The child body becomes riddled with pain. (It's painful to lose our spiritual
truth, at any age). We find ways to “survive” our fear-ridden childhood.
One of the ways is by overeating
or producing a biochemical system that protects us with fat.
As we grow into adulthood, our spiritual truth is kept alive by a vague memory, a vague longing for something that we hope is deep down inside.
In many cases, this yearning
is totally repressed by the day-to-day struggles of being an adult. In other cases, the longing is tenaciously held onto &
drives us forward seeking meaning, spiritual truth & healing.
This yearning is our key to freedom. HOWEVER, as we begin to follow the path of longing, we MUST PASS THRU the gateway of our grief, anger & fear, because those feelings are a part of the repression mechanism & environment of our childhood conditioning.
The good news is that as we
follow the pathway of the yearning, we're on the road back to our greatest, most alive authentic Self.
The fears are just temporary roadblocks that can be surmounted with support & guidance.
The way it works is this:
1. Your food & fat issues
disguise your fears
2. To release your food &
fat issues, you must confront & pass thru your fears
The truth is this:
1. Your fears represent nothing more than an illusory reality you adapted yourself to in order to “fit in” with the reality
you perceived your parents occupying.
2. You can move thru your
fears into the most incredible, ALIVE & AUTHENTIC Self you’ve ever longed to become.
This is how:
1. You can harness the power of your mind to reconnect yourself with your spiritual truth & powerfully confront your fears so that you can create & claim a life based on your ALIVE, AUTHENTIC Self.
2. Just as in Akido, the student
is taught to utilize the energy of the enemy to FLOW into victory, you can learn to utilize the energy of your fears to EMPOWER your ALIVENESS.
3. By focusing on ALIVENESS,
not FOOD, you're powerfully anchored into the essence of your Being, which strengthens your ability to confront your fears..
The way out of fear of FOOD/weight issues is to identify & face the fear of bringing forth our most alive, authentic Self. This is an incredible journey folks.
This is what life is
about.
Just in case you were curious about memory repression as I am, I have looked up some articles, this one explains what
memory repression may be about, but at the bottom of the page I'll include some links for
you to read more about it at your leisure. I believe it's a highly controversial topic.
kathleen
Mechanism in the human brain that blocks unwanted memories
Article Date: 09 Jan 2004/ Source: Michael Anderson / Source: John D.E. Gabrieli / University
of Oregon
'Science' showcases research on forgetting
EUGENE, Ore. (USA)-Researchers
at the Univ. of Oregon & Stanford Univ. have located a mechanism in the human brain that blocks unwanted memories.
This is the first time that anyone has shown a
neurobiological basis for memory repression.
The findings, by lead researcher Michael Anderson,
associate professor of psychology at the Univ. of Oregon & his colleague, John D.E. Gabrieli, professor of psychology
at Stanford, will be published Jan. 9 in Science.
The research provides compelling
evidence that Freud was on to something 100 years ago when he proposed the existence of a voluntary
repression mechanism that pushes unwanted memories out of consciousness.
Since
then the idea of memory repression has been a vague & highly controversial idea, in
part because it's been difficult to imagine how such a process could occur in the brain.
Yet, the process may be more commonly applied than was previously
thought.
'Often in life we encounter reminders of things we'd rather not think about,' Anderson explains. 'We've all had that experience at some point - the experience of seeing something that reminds
us of an unwanted memory, leading us to wince briefly - but just as quickly to put the recollection out of mind. How do human
beings do this?'
Anderson says that this process isn't restricted to traumatic experiences, but is applied widely, whenever we're distracted by memories, pleasant or unpleasant.
'This active forgetting process is a basic mechanism we use to exclude any kind of distracting memory so we can concentrate on our tasks at hand.'
To mimic the brain's process
in the lab, Anderson & Gabrieli tested subjects using a procedure Anderson devised. Subjects first learned pairs of words
such as ordeal - roach, steam-train & jaw-gum.
Then they were given the first member of each word pair &
asked either to think of the second word, or to suppress awareness of the second word.
Subjects performed this task while being scanned in a functional
magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine that produces images of brain tissue & function. From these images, researchers can determine which parts
of the brain are in use for different tasks.
After this phase was completed, Anderson
tested the students' memory for all of the word pairs & confirmed that suppressing awareness of unwanted memories resulted in memory inhibition, replicating a finding he reported earlier in the journal Nature.
The fMRI images of the subjects' brain activity during this procedure yielded astonishing results.
This study revealed for the first time strong neurobiological evidence for a novel idea about how memory repression occurs
that is quite simple:
unwanted memories can be suppressed with brain areas
similar to that used when we try to stop overt physical actions.
Put simply, the brain systems that permit one to
stop an arm motion midstream can be recruited to inhibit or stop an unwanted memory retrieval.
Instead of inhibiting activity in brain regions having to do with physical action, however, these control processes reduce brain activation in the hippocampus, a structure known to be involved in conscious memories of the past.
Crucially, this reduction in hippocampal activity led the
subjects to forget the rejected experiences.
Anderson relates the ability to control memory to the ability to control our physical actions, like the time he knocked a plant off his windowsill at home.
'As
I saw the plant falling off the sill out of the corner of my eye, I reflexively went to catch it. At the very last second,
I stopped myself, midstream when I realized that the plant was a cactus.'
Anderson's
research indicates that stopping unwanted memory retrievals build on the same brain mechanisms that help us to achieve this
control over our overt behavior, providing a very concrete mechanism that may demystify how repression occurs.
Intriguingly, Anderson & Gabrieli could predict how much forgetting people in their experiment would experience,
simply by examining how active their prefrontal cortex was when attempting to suppress memories.
Anderson & Gabrieli's clear, straightforward
neurobiological model for exploring motivated forgetting in the laboratory is a landmark achievement. Until now the idea that
unwanted memories can be repressed has been a controversial issue among psychologists.
The
UO researcher & his associates have provided a way to scientifically investigate & map the cognitive & brain process
in the laboratory. Among the immediate benefits may be the ability to better understand the cognitive & neural mechanisms by which people deal with the memory aftereffects of a traumatic experience & the breakdown of these mechanisms in post-traumatic stress disorder.
Anderson emphasizes, however, that future research is needed to examine the role
of these mechanisms in suppressing emotional experiences, as the current study focused on the suppression of relatively neutral
events.
Nevertheless, they also provide a well-grounded hypothesis
for how some people may come to forget unwanted memories of unpleasant life experiences.
'To
me what's most important is achieving a better understanding of how we learn to adapt mental function in response to traumatic life experience,' Anderson explains.
'Survivors of natural disasters, crime, acts of terror such
as 9/11, the loss of someone close all undergo a process that may continue for a very long time - a process of learning to
adjust both physically & mentally to those events.
Now we have a specific neurobiological model of
the mechanisms by which people normally adapt how their memories respond to the environment. My goal is to expand on this model so we can better understand these important experiences.'
For more information: http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~blevy/lab/homepage.htm
http://gablab.stanford.edu/
original article resumes below!
This is why we're here. If
you're reading this article, you're probably ready to find yourself & give up your food issues forever.
The 2nd Law of Fear-Based Lack is:
- For every compulsive bite & diet, there's
an equal amount of repressed self-integrity & strength.
Your spiritual essence has
its own unique set of values. And those values are longing to express themselves in this world. When we take on the fear-based reality of our parents & of society, (what we see represented around us), we
squash the vital expression of our essence, which results in lack.
To be able to express this
truth in the world, is joyous beyond belief. We're desperately longing for this. Expressing essence, we are in integrity.
Feelings of shame, guilt, fear & resentment, mean we're out of integrity. We must allow these feelings to guide us back to our truth so that we can radically alter our lifestyle to match this truth.
Let me give you an example of how this process might work, as I’ve personally
gone thru this process many times & on many levels. For years I worked at IBM. I'd go to work depressed, then come home & cry. Why?
The answer was simple. Working
at IBM wasn't the work that expressed my essence. Thru the years, as I’ve made vital changes in support of myself, I’ve discovered that my truth is voraciously creative.
Any job that asks me to fit
into another person’s system won’t work for me. I’ve tried on all sorts of systems I still try on
systems. But, what I discover is that in order for me to be truthful to me, I have to have the freedom to try on a system & then re-create it.
I have to have the freedom to act spontaneously. Now, my parent’s system didn’t work for me. It wasn’t a bad system. It worked for
them. It just didn’t work for me. We were as different as lettuce & carrots.
My authentic Self wasn't mirrored in my environment. To be in integrity with myself, I’ve had to find the courage to live my life very differently from the way I saw my parents live theirs. Working at IBM was the perfect job for someone
living in my parent’s system but it didn’t work for me. No wonder I was depressed.
My spiritual essence had no
expression. Simply put, I wasn't in integrity with myself. I longed for freedom, but I had no idea that to acquire that freedom I was going to have to have the courage to protect my truth & act on my truth.
You must do the same - in the sense of finding your truth. You must inquire into your own truth & discover what it's you passionately need to feel at one with yourself. This means you must stop doing what you think you “should” be doing, stop living another’s reality.
This means you courageously embrace your values with dignity. I don’t know what this might look like for you.
What do you dread when you
wake up each morning?
What do you regret when you lie down in bed each night?
What dreams & visions
for yourself have others convinced you are silly.
I don’t know you &
I certainly don’t know the look of your truth. But, I do know what when we begin honoring ourselves in our own lives, we take on a whole new way of being in the world that brings us joy.
This is living in integrity with ourselves. And this demands the courage & strength that I call FIERCE. Being fierce means strongly pursuing what brings us joy. It means being highly focused in pursuit of our dreams & being willing to be uninhibitedly intense in wanting what we
want.
It demands having the courage to not be like everyone else. How magnificent.
Self-strength takes courage to act in our own behalf, to take actions that support the Self. It means learning to say, “No,” to the demands of an outside world that don’t mesh with our own aliveness.
It means learning to say “Yes,”
fiercely to our inner values & calling. It means developing strong boundaries, setting limits & courageously moving in the direction of our inner dictates.
It’s painful to be out
of integrity with ourselves. It's painful to know that a deep part of us isn’t being expressed because we’re confused, afraid & lacking in the support we need to help ourselves shine.
So, what does food have to do with this. Food hides the
pain. It numbs us so we don’t have to confront the yearning & the changes we might need to make. It fills the deep hole inside, a hole that can only be filled by us making different choices.
It covers the grief we feel at the loss of the true Self. Take food away & you'll have to feel the feelings but these are good feelings because they point the way to wonderful change.
It’s just a bad habit
to keep running back to food. It’s a huge distraction from what's vital.
The 3rd Law of Fear-Based Lack is:
- For every compulsive bite & diet, there's
an equal amount of repressed self-nurture.
STOP!! Don’t take that
compulsive first bite! Let down some of your control. Stop dieting.
Instead, I want you to look
inside yourself & ask yourself this one question:
- WHAT COULD I do for myself right now that
would be obscenely Selfish?
This is a radical request
for most women, but I have to tell you that I see, time & time again, the pain that putting others first brings. Most
of us are taught to put ourselves aside & be there for others. I see this over & over again.
I see the suffering that losing
oneself to others causes. If you were to ask me, what's the most prominent cause of weight-gain or anorexia?
I’d have to say, caretaking
others at the expense of oneself! No doubt in my mind. Absolutely none. If you aren't putting yourself first, you're eating (or restricting)
instead!
You’ve
got to unlearn this pattern & you’ve got to become obscenely Selfish. There IS a difference between true caring & caregiving. Essentially caring happens in joy.
Caregiving happens in sacrifice
& numbs us to joy. You see, the essence of the Self is extremely Selfish. But not in a way that hurts or ignores others.
In fact, the Self doesn’t even know what Selfish means. The Self just plays at what innocently brings her pleasure. And s/he figures that others will be excited to play this too. When we're selfishly following our greatest passion, we give others permission to do the same. There's a glow about us that others want. We become attractive & exciting to others. We spread joy.
So how did you lose this? I’ll tell you. You see,
when you were that small young child & you absorbed your parent’s & society’s fear-based reality, you learned this untruth:
Don’t trust yourself, because harm will surely come to you. Fear means harm is lurking around the corner. Any “wrong” move can & will result in some forsaken tragedy.
We learn to question
our impulses & our spontaneity. We become adept at doing things “right,” which means doing things in a way that'll prevent
harm from coming to us & our family. We learn to 2nd-guess ourselves & to be careful. Too careful.
We learn to disown
our impulses & replace them with caution. Not healthy caution, but caution based on fear. This is how we learned to watch out for others, rather than enjoying our selves.
We
can unlearn this fear-based living. Indeed, when we begin replacing our fear-based caution with radical Self-Nurture, our Self thrives. Why?
Because when we
re-focus our thoughts & actions on nurturing, joyous pursuits, we begin reaping the rewards of a nurturing, joyous life & this is totally fulfilling. The longer you avoid your own fulfillment & compensate with fear-based “right behavior,” you perpetuate emptiness & lack. Then, food/fat obsession is to fill that void.
Your job is to utilize
the incredible power of your mind to connect itself with your heart to honor your heart’s Selfish desires.
The reality is
“selfishness” has no meaning in the world of your alive, authentic Self. Why? Because as you become alive thru your Selfish pursuits, you spread joy & give others permission to to do the same.
ITS NOT ABOUT FOOD. . . is a process
that entails:
Stop allowing the
3 laws of Fear-Based Lack to rule your life. Realize the power of your creative mind & utilize that power to harness your abundant, magical, authentic Self. You aren't alone. Please give yourself the gift of stepping into a journey that you'll never regret. Yep, that’s what this journey is about.
Did you have very little supervision as a child? Did you need love and guidance,
but never received it? Did you grow up too fast because of this?
Excerpt: Growing Up Too
Fast: The Rimm Report on the Secret World of America's Middle Schoolers - By Sylvia Rimm, PhD
Magazine Messages
There
are dozens of teen magazines, but almost all of them are directed toward girls. And although these magazines are theoretically
targeted to teens, there's no doubt that they encourage & attract tween readers as well.
Four best-selling
teen magazines that target girls are Seventeen, Cosmo Girl! J-14 & Teen People. Headlines from these magazines emphasize
fashion, clothes, sex, makeup, celebrities, being hot & finding boyfriends.
Most of the photographs
are of stars in sexy poses & the advertisements show models in flirtatious & suggestive stances. Paradoxically, intermixed
with the seductive models & celebrities are photographs of tweens & teens who look wholesome, attractive & normal,
permitting readers to see kids like themselves in juxtaposition to celebrities & models.
What's
different in girls' magazines now is the premature emphasis on using sex to attract boys. When your daughter brings home teen
magazines - & she will - there will be a lot to discuss with her.
Although these
magazines contain quizzes, craft projects, activities, stories & even some good advice, most teen magazines perpetuate
the idea that appearance, sexual allure & having a boyfriend are what's most important for girls.
By valuing quality articles in magazines & discussing your issues with the rest, you can give your daughter a balanced view of the material she may be reading.
Occasionally reading
these magazines isn't likely to be detrimental for girls who already have a confident self-image. However, you should review any magazines your kids read & consider their appropriateness before buying subscriptions.
Also, discuss their
underlying messages with your daughters so they don't get sucked into pervasive & condescending messages. Make it clear
that a girl is much more than a pretty face, thin figure, or provocative fashion showpiece.
Remind them that
their intelligence, creativity, hard work & personalities will provide the lifelong opportunities they'll want.
Not all girls' magazines focus on sex, fashion & boys. American Girl, aimed at 9 to 12-year-olds,
conveys lots of positive values & messages & it offers ideas for crafts, hobbies & developing new interests.
New Moon,
edited by a panel of young girls, is superb for empowering & encouraging girls to be strong & smart & is free of advertisements.
Written by teens,
Teen Voices is instructive for more-mature tweens. Girls' Life is written mostly by adults, but it includes some teen writing
as well. Although it includes references to fashion & appearance, it doesn't have the pervasive sexual message that many
other magazines do. This magazine is also more appropriate for mature tweens.
The
effects magazines have on boys aren't as negative as they are for girls, primarily because boys tend to read magazines that focus on their interests. The only popular, general
magazine for boys is Boys' Life, which is distributed by the Boy Scouts of America to members of the organization. The magazine
includes positive interests, activities & of course, humor, which seems to keep boys interested.
Sports Illustrated,
Sports Illustrated for Kids & other specific sports magazines encourage boys' admiration of athletes - for better or worse, depending on their heroes of choice. Other interests like music, photography,
computers, fitness, video games, science, travel & cars are targeted by magazines like Popular Science, Popular Mechanics,
DRUM!, Popular Photography & National Geographic.
Magazines geared
both for boys & for girls, like Junior Scholastic (distributed in schools)
& National Geographic Kids, stress education & teach kids about science, math & social studies.
Headlines from Seventeen magazine in the 1970's
What Your Voice Tells about You
The
Gentle Art of Understanding Your Parents
Hurry-Up Hairdos
How to Beat the Gossip Game
Which Is Best-Oldest, Middle,
Youngest Child?
Prize Fiction
How Can I Get Him to Notice Me?
Write, Illustrate, Photograph Stories
Poems
and Reports from Worldwide Places
Headlines from Teen magazine in 2004
The
Sexiest Hairstyles; The Sexiest Jeans
On Girls, Geeks, and Going All the Way
How to Be Happy, Calmer, and Hotter
203
Ways to Look Crazy Good!
438 Ways to Meet Tons of Guys
Turn-On Secrets He'll Never Tell You
Get a Better Body
in Two Weeks
476 Ways to Look Sexy for Spring
Hot! Sexy-Guy Postcards Inside
Copyright © 2005 Sylvia Rimm
newer research sheds new light on stress & eating problems... are you living a very stressful lifestyle... it may be time for a big change!
excerpt: What causes eating disorders?
from Anred.com's website...
A note about stress & overeating: New research
suggests that there is a biological link between stress & the drive to eat. Comfort foods - high in sugar, fat & calories - seem to calm
the body's response to chronic stress.
In addition, hormones produced
when one is under stress encourage the formation of fat cells.
In Westernized countries life
tends to be competitive, fast paced, demanding & stressful. There may be a link between so-called modern life & increasing rates of overeating, overweight & obesity. (Study to be published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Author is Mary
Dallman, professor of physiology, University of California at San Francisco [2003].)
the following article was placed in my children 101 website, part of the emotional feelings network of sites, and while I was working on the
underlined link words within this article, it suddenly occurred to me that I needed to put this article on this page.
Read it carefully. Did you experience a close
bonding process with your mother & father? How about a different caregiver? Did you live in a fear-based environment?
If you did not form a close bond with one of your parents or with neither of
them, did you see the connection with addictions & insecure bonding & feel a possible link with your own situation
in life as a child? It's interesting to look at attachment relationships and parents bonding with children to see what can
happen to us as adults when the process isn't completed or not secure.
one more thought...
i never realized that i had, "needs." silly, isn't it? how can someone go thru life as an adult and not know that there are things that people need? well, i
had plenty of unmet needs. this started with me as a child. therefore... i ask you to study
about needs, child development & perhaps something will stand out that can clue you in as to why you're having a problem
with night eating now.
Bonding & the Emotional Needs of Children
Janae B. Weinhold. Ph.D
Children’s emotional needs initially get met thru their relationships with adult caregivers via reciprocal interactions involving giving & receiving love.
This reciprocal interaction is also known as bonding, an interactive process that occurs thru repeated daily interactions
such as:
- feeding
- changing diapers
- playing
- bathing
- rocking
- exploring
Bonding involves emotionally charged exchanges between children & those who care for them. If these emotional exchanges are love-based, the child learns to trust. If they're fear-based, the child learns to distrust.
Bonding involves specific kinds of interplay between the child & caregivers, such as eye contact, touch,
holding, talking & singing & mirroring or recognizing the child’s unique qualities. Secure bonding creates feelings of safety & predictability & forms the foundation for positive mental health.
Securely Bonded Children
Children who are securely bonded act self-confident, have strong self-esteem & function at high levels socially, emotionally, mentally & physically.
They're able to engage in reciprocal relationships where they
can both give & receive love, are compassionate, express concern about the feelings & needs of others, have well-developed creativity & cooperate with both other children & adults.
Securely bonded children are often seen
as “successful” without people recognizing that their success sets on a strong foundation of bondedness with adult caregivers
Insecurely Bonded Children
Children who are insecurely bonded tend to be:
Insecure bonding is an unsafe & unpredictable state that develops as a result of living in a fear-based environment.
It's the primary cause of addictions, “attachments” to things & the underlying cause of impaired mental health.
The 2 primary kinds of insecure bonding
are
- avoidant
- anxious/ambivalent
Children with avoidant bonding may appear:
Instead, they learn how to:
- comfort themselves
- usually don't seek solace from their caregivers
when experiencing distress
This premature autonomy & emotional distancing, often disguised as hurt & anger, inhibit a child's long-term capacity for vulnerability & eventually become a barrier to intimacy.
Children with anxious/ambivalent bonding tend to pursue contact with others but also fear it. They tend to engage adults indirectly through:
- manipulation
- opposition
- defiance
- aggression
- violence
- whining
- complaining
Internally they feel caught between two conflicting needs:
- their desire for contact with their caregiver
- their feelings of anger about her unavailability
or inability to meet their needs in timely, appropriate ways
This internal conflict is expressed by an initial act of contact with the caregiver
followed by a resistance to it.
The primary difference between these 2 types of insecure bonding is that the
anxious/ambivalently bonded child desires contact with the caregiver, while the
avoidant child guards against it.
Seeking perfection
Nobody's perfect
Perfectionists are people
who strive to meet very high standards in everything they do, be it in the workplace, in sport, cooking or DIY. As with all
personality traits, there are different degrees of perfectionism. Perfectionists can be lumped into two categories based on
how flexible they are about their standards:
- Normal perfectionists - set high standards for themselves but
drop their standards if the situation requires it
- Neurotic perfectionists - never feel that they have done their
job well enough. They're very intolerant of mistakes & extremely self-critical
Risk of illness
Normal perfectionists are
often high achievers in life. Perfectionism is usually a good trait whether you're a banker, athlete, artist, actor or builder,
because it makes you good at what you do. For example, many professional athletes score highly on perfectionism.
But neurotic perfectionists who criticize themselves excessively,
put themselves at risk from psychological & physical disorders including:
6 dimensions of perfectionism
Dr Randy Frost of Smith College, Massachusetts has developed a 35-item questionnaire,
or scale, designed to measure perfectionism. The scale recognizes 6 different dimensions of perfectionism.
Concern over mistakes
Perfectionists get more upset over mistakes than other people
because they're scared that others will think badly of them.
As a result, perfectionists
are less likely to seek help in rectifying errors & have a stronger urge to cover up mistakes. Excessive concerns over
mistakes can put people at risk of phobias & mood disorders.
Personal standards
Setting high standards that
you feel compelled to meet is a common trait of normal & neurotic perfectionists. The setting of high personal standards
is thought to contribute to the eating disorder anorexia nervosa.
Parent expectations
Trying hard to live up to
your parents' expectations of you is a common feature of perfectionism. This could be because they grow up in households where
parents give their children love on condition that they meet their expectations. These children try to do everything perfectly
to avoid being rejected by their parents.
Parental criticism
Seeking to appease your
parents is often accompanied by the worry that your mother & father will criticize your achievements.
As children, these
people may have punished for making mistakes. Consequently, they also develop the sense that they'll never meet their parents'
high standards.
Doubting of actions
Feeling uncertain when a job is finished is a common feature of perfectionism. As a result, these people are often reluctant to give up on
tasks & sometimes need to be told to 'leave it alone now.' Doubting can also make perfectionists very indecisive.
Organization
Perfectionists tend to be fussy & exacting about whatever
they do. They also have a preoccupation with making everything neat & tidy. This isn't a direct cause of perfectionism,
but does affect how perfectionists try to achieve their high standards.
Perfectionism
- Do you feel like what you
accomplish is never quite good enough?
- Do you often put off turning
in papers or projects, waiting to get them just right?
- Do you feel you must give
more than 100% on everything you do or else you'll be mediocre or even a failure?
If so, rather than simply
working toward success, you may in fact be trying to be perfect.
Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and
behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen in our society as desirable
or even necessary for success. However, recent studies have shown that perfectionistic attitudes actually interfere with success.
The desire to be perfect can both rob you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve as much as
people who have more realistic strivings.
Causes of Perfectionism
If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early
in life that other people valued you because of how much you accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to
value yourself only on the basis of other people's approval. Thus your self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on
external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting
to protect yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is your only defense.
A number of the following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs
may be associated with perfectionism:
- Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve
their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
- Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes
with failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
- Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists
often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism,
rejection, and disapproval.
- All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that
they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective.
For example, a straight "A" student who receives a "B" might believe, "I am a total failure."
- Overemphasis on "shoulds." Perfectionists' lives are often
structured by an endless list of "shoulds" that serve as rigid rules for how their lives must be led. With such an overemphasis
on shoulds, perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.
- Believing that others are easily successful. Perfectionists
tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence.
At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.
The Vicious Cycle of Perfectionism
Perfectionistic attitudes set in motion a vicious cycle.
First, perfectionists set unreachable goals. Second, they fail to meet these goals because the goals were impossible to begin
with. Failure to reach them was thus inevitable. Third, the constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic
failure reduce productivity and effectiveness. Fourth, this cycle leads perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming
which results in lower self-esteem. It may also lead to anxiety and depression. At this point perfectionists may give up completely
on their goals and set different goals thinking, "This time if only I try harder I will succeed." Such thinking sets the entire
cycle in motion again.
This vicious cycle can be illustrated by looking at a way in
which perfectionists often deal with interpersonal relationships. Perfectionists tend to anticipate or fear disapproval and
rejection from those around them. Given such fear, perfectionists may react defensively to criticism and in doing so frustrate
and alienate others. Without realizing it, perfectionists may also apply their unrealistically high standards to others, becoming
critical and demanding of them. Furthermore, perfectionists may avoid letting others see their mistakes, not realizing that
self-disclosure allows others to perceive them as more human and thus more likeable. Because of this vicious cycle perfectionists
often have difficulty being close to people and therefore have less than satisfactory interpersonal relationships.
Healthy Striving
Healthy goal setting and striving are quite different from the
self-defeating process of perfectionism. Healthy strivers tend to set goals based on their own wants and desires rather than
primarily in response to external expectations. Their goals are usually just one step beyond what they have already accomplished.
In other words, their goals are realistic, internal, and potentially attainable. Healthy strivers take pleasure in the process
of pursuing the task at hand rather than focusing only on the end result. When they experience disapproval or failure, their
reactions are generally limited to specific situations rather than generalized to their entire self-worth.
What to do About Perfectionism
The first step in changing from perfectionistic attitudes to
healthy striving is to realize that perfectionism is undesirable. Perfection is an illusion that is unattainable. The next
step is to challenge the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that fuel perfectionism. Some of the following strategies may
help:
- Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and
needs and what you have accomplished in the past. This will enable you to achieve and also will lead to a greater sense of
self-esteem.
- Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. As you reach a
goal, set your next goal one level beyond your present level of accomplishment.
- Experiment with your standards for success. Choose any activity
and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try for 90 percent, 80 percent, or even 60 percent success. This will help you to realize
that the world does not end when you are not perfect.
- Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end
result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task.
Recognize that there can be value in the process of pursuing a goal.
- Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to
ask yourself, "Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation?"
- Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by
asking yourself, "What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?"
- Recognize that many positive things can only be learned by
making mistakes. When you make a mistake ask,
- "What can I learn from this experience?" More specifically,
think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.
- Avoid all-or-none thinking in relation to your goals. Learn
to discriminate the tasks you want to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to you. On less important
tasks, choose to put forth less effort. Once you have tried these suggestions, you are likely to realize that perfectionism
is not a helpful or necessary influence in your life. There are alternative ways to think that are more beneficial. Not only
are you likely to achieve more without your perfectionism, but you will feel better about yourself in the process.
Perfection
by Steve Pavlina
Awareness isn’t empty. It may be a container of
sorts, but it’s not an empty vessel. What does it contain? It contains thoughts, and those thoughts
manifest in physical form. This is what we call physical reality. Everything aside from awareness that we perceive
to exist is an expression of the contents of awareness.
Since awareness holds thoughts of an ego, the ego is manifest
in physical form as a human body. The ego benefits awareness by giving it a first-person perspective with which to interact
with its manifestations. Living as a physical being means entering awareness itself and exploring the contents first-hand.
Why on earth would awareness want to do this? Because awareness learns about every part of itself from the perspective
of every other part.
Awareness itself is perfect as-is, but the perspective of the
ego is such that it always seems imperfect. The ego’s first-person perspective sees flaws while the third-person
perspective of awareness sees only perfection and joy.
If awareness is perfect, then why did it create the ego in the
first place? Because the ego is perfect too — in its own way it follows the perfect path towards discovering that
perfection. What is perfection if there is no one to perceive and appreciate it?
An integral part of perfection itself is the creation of an
observer whose role is to discover and appreciate that perfection. And in order to appreciate perfection, that
observer must also understand imperfection. That observer is the ego.
It’s ironic that our egos, which we perceive as so imperfect
and flawed, are actually part of perfection itself. Perfection cannot exist without imperfection. In fact,
as paradoxical as it may seem, imperfection is actually contained within perfection. Our deepest
flaws are that which give rise to our greatest beauty. Our most horrific and painful failure experiences are those that
allow us to grow the most and to help the most people. Our failures are perfect failures. That which causes us
the greatest suffering is also that which gives us the greatest joy. The only difference between suffering and joy is
perspective, such as the perspective of time.
Some people say that the path of spirituality requires that
we abandon the ego. That is not an opinion I share. I believe the path to enlightenment requires a deep appreciation
for the ego and its role in the self-expression of awareness.
The ego is not a mistake. The mistake is ego identification,
and it’s still a perfect mistake because it leads to deeper appreciation of awareness identification. The ego
may not be your true self, but it is a vital part of a greater whole. The ego’s purpose is to perceive and appreciate
the contents of awareness, eventually leading to the conclusion that everything is in fact perfect as-is, including the ego
itself.
Love your imperfections, your flaws, and your mistakes, for
they are also the source of your greatest joy.
Freshman Women at Duke University Battle 'Effortless
Perfection'
By Maura Jane Farrelly,
VoA News
New York - March 28,
2005 - Every year, thousands of American students go away to college for the first time…
and 4 years later, they graduate with a greater understanding of not just the intellectual ideas that have shaped their society,
but also of themselves - who they are, how they want to be viewed by their peers, and where they fit in. But these social
lessons are not always empowering. Indeed, many young women at America's top universities are graduating with a sense of self
that is destructive and debilitating.
Alison Perlberg, 18, is a first-year student at Duke University,
one of the highest-rated colleges in the United States. She worked hard to graduate at the top of her high school class in
Atlanta, Georgia, and she says she continues to study hard here at Duke. But, by her own admission, academics are not always
the first thing on Alison Perlberg's mind when she heads off to class each day.
"Sometimes there's a lot of competition," she says. "You'll
walk into your class in sweatpants and a t-shirt and look around and notice that some people are wearing make-up, and you
think, 'Oh, no, should I have been wearing make-up? I didn't spend enough time getting ready this morning.'"
Alison Perlberg is one of 18 female students selected to be
a part of Duke's new Baldwin Scholars program. The initiative was launched this year, after the university took a serious
look at the status of women on its campus. It found that many of Duke's undergraduate women were entering the university with
a great deal of self-confidence, but were graduating 4 years later with eating disorders, stress-related illnesses, and an
overall sense of insecurity and self-doubt.
"One undergraduate woman, in striving to describe what the social
climate for women was at Duke, came up with this beautiful phrase. She said that the expectation for women at Duke was 'effortless
perfection,'" says Donna Lisker, director of the Duke Women's Center. "By that, she meant they had to be not only academically
successful, but also successful by all the traditionally female markers -- thin, pretty, well-dressed, nice hair, nice nails.
And, the real rub is you had to do it with no visible effort."
Donna Lisker says 'effortless perfection' is impossible to achieve
- and that the quest for it leads only to feelings of inadequacy. She points to the concept as a sign that the age-old double
standard between men and women is alive and well, even among the brightest, most enlightened and most privileged young people
in America. "It distresses me as a feminist to be thinking about the fact that these women who are so good and so talented
are spending more time worrying about the size of their thighs than what they're going to do with their future lives," she
says.
So where is this unspoken expectation coming from? And more
importantly, how is it being enforced? Donna Lisker says the expectation is derived from the images of female perfection that
Americans see every day on television and in movies and magazines. As far as 'enforcement' is concerned, though - that is
where things get interesting. Ms. Lisker says it is not just the men who are pushing young women to live up to these expectations
- it is other women.
Especially when it comes to details. Ms. Lisker says most men
don't know the difference between a designer shoe and any other shoe. "They're not necessarily that savvy about it," she says.
"The women know the difference. So they're performing for one another - women are performing for one another. But the men
also know in broad strokes whether the women are fitting into the role that they expect them to fit into."
The Baldwin Scholars program was created in an effort to get
Duke's young women to start talking to one another about this issue. For the next 4 years, the 18 women will take classes
together and participate in internship programs, where they will be challenged to confront the impossible and - some might
say- woefully misguided standards that high-achieving women often hold themselves to.
Alison Perlberg says it is a rare opportunity - and the reason
she applied for the program. "I don't feel like there are many opportunities for women to become allies for one another,"
she says. "There's a lot of competition between women, but I don't feel there's really a space where women can come together
and discuss things honestly and be there for each other - especially in an academic setting."
But in the grand scheme of things, when there is so much going
on in the world that is troubling and destructive, why should anyone care that a bunch of young, privileged women at an elite
university like Duke are having their self-confidence stripped away by the expectation of effortless perfection? According
to Megan Braley, 18, another member of the first class of Baldwin Scholars, people should care because places like Duke are
where America's future leaders are made.
"And if women don't have the confidence that they need to enter
top professions," she says, "we're losing out on half of the talent pool that could be benefiting everyone in the United States
and everyone in the world. So it's important for women to feel equally as confident as men and have the impact that only females
can have on our country and on our government and on our businesses."
Duke's Baldwin Scholars program is modeled after a program at
the University of Richmond that has been in place for more than 20 years and - by all accounts -has been very successful.
It is too soon to evaluate the program at Duke - the very first group of Baldwin Scholars, after all, has only been on campus
for 6 months. But Women's Center director Donna Lisker says representatives from several other top universities have been
in touch with her, looking for advice on how to deal with the problem of effortless perfection on their campuses.
Life Planning: Conquering Perfection
by Rob Woollard,
StartupNation Life Coach
I know that the StartupNation community is filled with achievers
-- people seeking to accomplish great things. I couldn't respect that more. What a full way to live! So in the interest of
diving deeper into life planning, it's with great care that I'm introducing my thoughts today about
a distant cousin of 'achievement' - none other than the infamous, the one and only 'perfectionism.'
As a yoga teacher, I often notice people trying to achieve the
perfect pose. Blood vessels bulge out of their foreheads as perfectionism works its black magic on them. Is it really worth
so much stress over 'Happy Cow' pose?! Tomorrow they'll probably have a sore knee or a weakened immune system due to overstressing
their bodies. Whenever I do notice people reaching for perfection, that's typically the moment I enter into an inane story
about something I did this week that was totally laughable. I break out in smiles as I tell it and so do many students in
the class. It's my way of reminding people not to sweat the small stuff, like having your fingernail extended and aligned
perfectly in a yoga pose. It's my way to be sure they know the pursuit of perfection is a very dangerous path-one that leads
to unhealthy places and one that we should always avoid.
I believe this admonition about perfectionism applies to all
aspects of life - business included. People who tend to set extremely high standards and are dissatisfied with anything less
than perfect are difficult to be around and horrible to work for. It's particularly bad if you work for yourself and YOU'RE
the perfectionist! That certainly describes me as I write this article!
To see if you're guilty of perfectionist illusions, see if any
of the following quotes seem familiar. If they do, sound the alarms!
6 big illusions
of the perfectionist:
- Employment/Business: "The perfect
business exists; I just need the perfect plan and better timing."
- Love Relationships: "The IDEAL
romantic partner is out there somewhere. I will find that 'someone,' and I won't have to compromise in any way."
- Fitting in: "Everyone else is
getting a [ you add: Land Rover, Parachute Pants, Tattoo]. I better get one too."
- Socioeconomic: "To be perfect,
I need to make tons of money and hang out with equally educated and wealthy people."
- Fashion: "Clothes make the man/woman."
- Physical Appearance: "If only
I had bigger/thinner [ insert body part(s) here ], I would look perfect and attract life's riches.
It's my observation that we all deal with some or all of these
illusions. But where does the zeal to be perfect come from? Most likely, it's rooted in fear and people's deep-seated need
to be accepted by others. Perfectionism is learned and perpetuated by forces such as family, friends, media and society at
large. Are you willing to let these external forces influence your internal level of happiness and your degree of satisfaction
in life? As you consider your answer to this question, remember that over time all things age, deteriorate and cease to exist
in their present form. And therefore, if perfection is ever attained, it's fleeting at best.
So the most important and productive thing you can
do, is confront your perfectionism head on. Conquering perfectionism is achievable through heightened awareness and great
dedication. Become tuned in to what motivates you and ask yourself what's genuine-what seems to come from inside versus outside
of you? Let go of imposed ideas of the way things should be or should go. Next, understand that there is really no specific
point in time that you should expect 'happiness' and 'satisfaction.' Instead, look at yourself as a 'work in progress,' and
cultivate happiness and satisfaction through the everyday efforts you put into life. Over time, you'll find that the art in
life is embracing the process rather than the result. Here are some of the positive outcomes to expect when you do:
- Initially, you may be shocked to see how perfectionism has
kept you from living fully and caused unnecessary anxiety in your life.
- Acknowledging your desire for perfectionism helps immediately
reduce its grip and moves you in a healthier direction.
- You will be able to tie your self esteem to more realistic,
healthy ideals and concepts.
- Your physical health and well-being will improve as well as
your attitude.
- You will be more conscious of what motivates you and can make
better life decisions.
- You will attract people into your life who accept you for who
you are.
- You will be motivated intrinsically rather than by outside
circumstances or things.
Having conquered your perfectionism and gone through the resulting
transformation, you should be beautifully positioned to achieve things in your personal and professional life like never before,
and approach life planning realistically. Even more, you'll gain greater happiness and satisfaction from your efforts.
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Do you feel as if you aren't being loved by anyone? Does this thought run thru your mind constantly? Do you feel that someone important to you such as:
- a parent
- a mentor
- a relative
- a spouse
- a sibling
Do you honestly believe with everything within you that you've done something to deserve this treatment?
Love Yourself First -
By Lisa Martin
On the route to
discovering better balance in your life, one of the key indicators of your success will be your ability to become more self-content.
One way to develop a strong sense
of self-contentment is to give yourself the gift of self-appreciation. Offer yourself the same respect & kindness you give to others you care deeply for.
Feel good in your own skin
I’ve noticed that women have a tendency to focus on what's
"wrong" about themselves vs. what's "right."
We tend to pick
out & pick on the parts of ourselves that we like the least. These can be physical &/or character traits. A sure-fire
way to know whether you suffer from this malaise is to take my "mirror" test.
When you see your
reflection is your first thought a complimentary or critical one? If you answered critical (like most of us), it's time
to take a new approach.
Being happy in your own skin means getting comfortable with who you are & what you want out of life. Instead of focusing on what you don't like about yourself, try honoring & appreciating what makes you unique.
Is it your attitude, smile &/or sense of humor? What qualities define you as a person? What do you absolutely love about yourself? Resist the temptation to criticize (this is a learned behavior & it can be
unlearned).
Do the best you can
We've all had those days. You wake up
with a busy day ahead of you only to discover your youngest child has the stomach flu. You madly rush around trying to make
alternative childcare arrangements (your daycare won't take a sick child)
because today is the day you have to make a big presentation to the sales team.
Calls to work &
arrangements with your partner finally result in a reasonable schedule. You're feeling stressed because you want to be with your unwell child & you can't miss this presentation. And all this happens before 8:00 am.
You're about to
leave the house with your older child & she decides to lie down at the bottom of the stairs & refuses to put on her
shoes. You snap back, "Can't you see that I'm having a bad morning & you aren't making it any better."
Not the best thing
you've ever done, but best you could do under the circumstances. So, you apologize to your daughter & learn to let it go.
Your best is going to be different from situation to situation. It'll change depending
on how you're feeling, who is involved & where you might be. No matter what the circumstances, just do your best. That's all you can do. By doing so, you'll avoid self-criticism, self-judgment & regret.
Apologize & Forgive
To err is human. Most women I know have a long list of things they haven't forgiven themselves for. These items range from "stealing my brothers baseball cards" to "raising my voice at my children."
Along with this
lack of forgiveness comes its partner in crime guilt. If you're beating yourself up over things that have happened in the past, I know an easy way to free yourself from this bondage.
Write a list of
everything you haven't forgiven yourself for & I mean everything. Then go thru this list & identify all the people you can contact & apologize to.
Now start making
some calls. Some situations may be tougher than others & some might require more than an apology.
If property has
been damaged, a replacement might be in order. But most importantly, forgive yourself. No more carrying that guilt load anymore.
© Copyright 2006. Lisa Martin. All rights reserved.
Psychological factors
People with eating disorders tend to be perfectionistic. They have unrealistic expectations of themselves & others. In spite of their many achievements, they feel inadequate & defective.
In addition, they
see the world as black & white, no shades of gray. Everything is either good or bad, a success or a failure, fat or thin. If fat is bad & thin is good, then thinner is better & thinnest is best - even if thinnest is 68 pounds
in a hospital bed on life support.
Some people with
eating disorders use the behaviors to avoid sexuality.
Others use them
to try to take control of themselves & their lives. They want to be in control & in charge. They're strong, usually winning the power struggles they find themselves in, but inside they feel weak, powerless, victimized, defeated & resentful.
People with eating disorders often lack a sense of identity. They try to define themselves by manufacturing a socially approved & admired exterior.
They've answered
the existential question, "Who am I?" by symbolically saying "I am, or I'm trying to be, thin. Therefore, I matter."
People with eating disorders often are legitimately angry, but because they seek approval & fear criticism, they don't dare express that anger directly. They don't know how to express it in healthy ways. They turn it against themselves by starving or stuffing.
And then there's pride of achievement. Few things are more satisfying than to succeed in a difficult & dangerous quest, to overcome a challenge that has frustrated others.
One doesn't have
to look very far beyond magazine diet articles to see how hard it is to lose weight & maintain a slender figure in today's
world of fast food & disappearing time & opportunities to be physically active.
Although they usually
will not admit it, achieving & maintaining stick thinness is a badge of honor worn with pride by those can do it. Even if they've earned excellent grades or career honors, being thin may be the only achievement they
define as significant.
They aren't happy & in fact, may be miserable, but they cling to this achievement as if it validates their existence.
It's often said
that the key to understanding an eating disorder is an appreciation of the person's need to control - everything:
That's true, but
there's another factor at least equally important:
When people embark
on a weight loss program with all the fervor of a pilgrim seeking holiness, it becomes evident that they're hoping for & working to achieve a magical conversion process.
By losing weight,
they hope to transform their dull caterpillar selves into beautiful butterflies that lead lives of contentment, happiness, confidence & completion. How sad. If losing weight truly did lead to happiness, we'd be a planet of bean poles.
Happiness, of course, is attainable, but thru meaningful work, nourishing relationships & a connection to something greater than oneself. Magical thinking & simplistic self-improvement programs just aren't up to the challenge.
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Perhaps you were a victim of unintentional poor parenting practices. Our parents
didn't get a manual included when they had us... sometimes they carried on poor parenting practices from generations before.
Baby Emotions - By Jill D. Chasse
Look at a baby for several moments.
In that time, that baby may smile, wrinkle her nose, cry, yawn, twist up his face or share a new expression.
These expressions in visible or psychological changes are in a response to the world around the baby. The reactions expressed are called emotions. Emotions that are visible can teach parents & practitioners a lot about an infant before speech is mastered.
Years ago, the smiling on a baby’s face was referred to a “gas.” After years of study &
research, we can finally accept an infant’s smile as joy or satisfaction. Babies will express fear, anger, pain & sorrow as well, although adults may not be able to determine which emotion is connected to which expression emotions.
The environment along with
all its stimuli is so brand new to a baby who is fresh in the outside world beyond the womb that his or her expressions are
being developed & changed moment by moment.
The child him/herself may
not even know what facial expression is coming when he/she reacts to a sound, scent, touch, taste, or sight. Learning about
these emotions is an adventure for both parents & baby.
A new parent is usually entranced by
his or her offspring. Parents quickly learn the “happy cry” vs. the “hungry cry.”
Paying close attention to
baby’s reactions will help both the child & the parents learn more about emotions being expressed & connect an activity &/or response to that expression or outburst.
Emotions are a form of communication. The attention that a parent pays to his or her child increases the security that child feels & leads to the development of trust, self & independence.
According to Erikson, learning
trust sets the infant’s outlook as to a negative or positive view of the world. When infants receive negative or minimal responses to his/her attempts of communication, the trust element fails & sets the child of doubt & suspicion.
A lack of positive emotional interaction also minimizes an infant’s independence. This could have severe consequences as the child grows, reflecting in the development of mental & motor abilities as
well as a lack of identity understanding & self doubt.
Shame on You - By Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
“What are
you thinking? Haven’t we talked about this before?”
My 7 year-old son
looked down at the food that had just spilled on the kitchen floor.
He stood statue-still,
as children often do after an accident. The words & tone I’d used were having their impact. He braced himself to
fight the tears & prepared to clean things up.
When I thought about it later,
I realized the worst moment wasn’t the food hitting the floor. The worst moment was seeing his face hiding the shame & anguish he was feeling. It was in knowing I’d been responsible for helping him “shove down” big feelings
too painful to deal with.
The truth was difficult.
I
was teaching my son to feel shame.
How does all of this happen? How is it that our parenting brings out the “worst”
in us?
The dynamics of shame are fairly simple. They're often at the heart of toxic relations between parents & children. When we’re unable
to change the behavior of our children, we may have a rush of feelings that include:
-
frustration
-
humiliation
-
anger
Our own sense of
being defective may accompany the sense of shame & may be related to our history as a child.
As children, there were times when
we felt misunderstood & mistreated. The feelings of shame that were generated from those times produced defense mechanisms that protected us from having to experience those painful moments again.
When we
become parents, we're constantly reminded of past shame-filled experiences in our interactions with our children. The shame comes rushing back in an avalanche of feelings & defenses.
When we’re
“in” our own shame, everything is distorted. When our children make mistakes, they’re our mistakes. When they appear defective, we feel
defective. We become overly concerned about other people’s opinions & about what’s right & wrong.
And in this avalanche of shame, we lose sight of the most important thing of all - the needs of our children.
Here
are some steps to limit or avoid the impact of shame on your family:
• Look at your own history of shame & how it’s triggered by your children. Try to find the irrational thoughts & messages that are getting you
into trouble. Get to know these triggers well & be prepared for them.
• Get
to know your child’s reaction to shame & how quickly they can reconnect with you after a shaming episode. Never forget that your child wants to be in a positive, loving relationship with you. The sooner you can reconnect after a shaming episode, the better.
• Tell your children that shaming messages happen & that most parents (& most kids) say irrational
things & act in irrational ways at times. This will help them to process what’s happened to them.
•
Be the first one to initiate better feelings between you & your child after a shaming episode. If it takes awhile for your child to recover, be patient with the process, but don’t stop trying to reconnect.
• Don’t beat yourself up after you shame your child. This only gets you caught up in the same cycle of shame that you unleashed on your child. Practice the art of being kind & gentle with yourself.
My son finished cleaning up the food & sat back down at the table
with a long look on his face. He didn’t look ready to reconnect with his Dad anytime soon.
“Thanks for cleaning up, buddy. If you’re
done eating, you can wrestle this big, mean daddy to the ground in the family room.”
After
shaking his head, a corner of his mouth curled up. Seconds later, we were doing battle on the family room floor.
This shaming episode was over & the recovery was rapid. But the expression of shame does a great deal of damage to our kids & it’s ready to rush forward in a heartbeat.
Learning more about your own legacy of shame can be the first step towards lessening the frequency of these unconscious reactions. All it takes is a willingness to visit
a difficult part of your past & a determination to leave a better legacy for your own family.
We didn’t deserve shame when we were kids.
Our kids don’t, either.
Accepting Your Child's Mistakes - By Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
One of the most
difficult parts of being a father is learning to accept your children's mistakes. It's certainly easy to be loving, supportive & helpful when your children are mistake-free, but most fathers who are paying attention don't find too many mistake-free
periods of their children's lives.
Let's be clear about our kids & their mistakes.
There aren't too many kids who get up in the morning, rub their hands together & say,
¨I wonder how I can screw
up today & really bother my dad!¨
Kids don't enjoy
or want to make mistakes, it's just one of the ways that they learn about the world.
Kids usually try
to do their best; it's just that they're doing their best considering the resources that they have at the time.
Sometimes they're
tired, sometimes they're easily distracted & sometimes they're strong-willed, but they generally do the best that they can. It's very easy for us to judge them according to a standard of what they've done before.
When our kids make mistakes,
we have choices to make. Fathers can either make choices that help to create kids who are defensive & who lie to them; or they can make choices that help to create kids who can learn from their
mistakes & improve upon them.
Kids who fear punishment
or the loss of love in response to their mistakes learn to hide their mistakes.
These children live in 2 different places -
-
one place where they have the love & support of their father (parents)
-
another where they feel that
if their mistakes were discovered, they'd be undeserving of that love
It's hard for these
kids to fully accept their parents' love & support even when it's expressed. It's also difficult for these kids to set high standards for themselves, because they tend to be
fearful of failing.
These are some ideas for fathers who are committed to helping create kids who can learn from their mistakes & who aren't afraid of making a few:
Absolutely accept the notion that your kids are doing their best & that they'll learn faster about their mistakes if they're in an environment
that accepts mistakes.
Understand that your difficulty with your kids' mistakes is in fact a reflection of your difficulty dealing with your own mistakes;
be aware of this & deal with your own issues first.
Know the shaming messages that we
can all give so easily to our kids - messages that can do a lot of damage to them & help them to feel unworthy.
Here's a few of them:
-
How could you have done that?
-
-
You can do better than that!
-
What's the matter with you?
Keep providing
your kids with learning experiences, but at the same time structure their environment so they can't make too many mistakes
(having expensive glassware around the house where children might break it isn't their
fault).
Provide a great model for your children by the way you react
to making mistakes:
do you get defensive & stretch the truth, or do you "own" the mistake & learn something from it?
Create
a culture that is based on learning from mistakes.
We have
only one chance to show our kids the patience & discipline necessary to allow them to learn from the mistakes that we've all made. Your opportunity to improve just
started now; give your kids the room that they need & deserve.
The Effects of Pushing Academics Too Hard - By Peggy Tsatsoulis, MA CAGS
Parents want what's
best for their children. They want their children to be happy, smart & successful. Educational level & school performance serves as the measuring stick.
Parents believe
if a student excels in school, s/he will excel in life. Striking a balance between accepting a child's performance & pushing
a child to reach a higher level can be very difficult. However, pushing too hard will impact your child negatively.
In my tenure as a psychologist & coach, I've heard countless middle school students say:
-
"What's wrong with a B, they expect me to make
straight A's"
-
"I hate being the example"
-
"They just want me to get into an IV league college
- I'm only in 6th grade I don't want to think about college yet"
-
"They just want to brag to their friends."
At times, parents
can lose sight of how hard they push their kids. In addition, they can be negligent in realizing the negative impact pushing
may have on their child's self esteem.
Pushing too hard
can be internalized as - You're not good enough. This message can translate into a number
of different behaviors.
i.e., I've worked
with children who have shut down & given up on academics completely because the pressure is too great. In their minds,
not trying & being a failure is a lot better than trying & being a failure.
I also have seen students
resort to lieing & cheating just to make the grade. These students know it's wrong to cheat or copy their friend's homework;
however, the praise & parent satisfaction for bringing home a good report far outweighs the guilt & consequences for
getting caught.
It's common knowledge that children would rather stay in their comfort
zones rather than take risks, especially academically. It's important for parents to set high standards for their children.
So how can a parent
maintain a balance between setting "high standards" & putting undue pressure on their child?
1. Self Reflect.
a) Figure out the reasons why
it's important for you to push your child. Be honest & frank with yourself. The reasons may not be pretty at times, but
by accepting the ugly, you can let go & make changes.
b) Determine where your
child is academically & where you want them to be. Then reflect on whether these expectations are realistic, too demanding,
or not demanding enough.
2. Practice acceptance.
Know your child & adjust your expectations. For example, B's may be acceptable in reading because, as the parent, you
know reading hasn't been easy for your child since first grade.
3. Make it a point to speak with your kids regularly. Kids will open up when you least expect it, so always be
ready for a conversation.
Most often, parents
have the best conversations with their children in the car on the way to or from an event (i.e.,
soccer practice).
Ask them 2 basic questions:
1) What do you
need from me & how can I support you in your school work?
2) Do you feel
I put too much pressure on you?
Most often they'll
give you honest feedback & tell you what they need.
4. Pay
attention. Notice any changes in your child's behavior. Pay attention to eating & sleeping habits, the kinds of
friends they hang out with, as well as the consistency in their grades.
5. Speak with your child's teacher(s) &/or counselor. Always make it a point to speak with your
child's teachers. I recommend a check in phone call twice a year.
Ask the teacher
how you can be supportive to the academic process? Ask the teacher how much help s/he expects for you to give your child on
homeowork.
Furthermore, a
good counselor is a parent's best resource. Counselors have tools & tips to help you be a support system to your child.
6. Tutor - Tutors can work wonders with children. Tutoring isn't
just for students who are behind. I've seen tutoring have a significant positive effect on very bright students. Working with
a tutor alleviates some of the pressure & as a result, bright students shine even brighter.
7. Relax & Know - that everything will work out.
By taking a balanced & supportive stance in your child's academic life, you'll ensure that your child will
grow & learn successfully.
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