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kathleen
How do you feel about yourself?
By Craig
Nathanson
Faith Shades did all the right things - all the things society expected. She attended law school, was involved in television and news production and was a top producing real estate agent.
Suddenly
one day a new perspective emerged about her life and what she really wanted.
Today, Faith is the founder of Eyes Cream Shades, quality sun wear for children.
Dolores Arste was good at managing people and teams in the information technology field.
Suddenly a new perspective emerged for her life and she took action.
Today, she provides holistic coaching - helping others deal with their
own life changes.
 
Marcia Brixey worked for
the government for 26 years. She had a responsible job and a career. Marcia had a great office but she was miserable and unhappy inside. She also took the leap.
Today, Marcia
is the founder of Money Wi$e Women helping women to better manage their money.
It starts
with a deep look inside
How do you feel
about yourself? Does your work enhance your sense of self or does it bring you down? Have you thought about how your work might be impacting your health, your relationships and your happiness?
So many people
just place their work in a large compartment, as if to keep the rest of their life away from their work…I wish it were
that simple.
Your work determines who you are
I went out to eat the
other day and I noticed a group of maybe 15 people from the same work group out to lunch. It was your typical work
lunch where the boss did most of the talking and the people tried hard to act like they were enjoying themselves.
Really, they
just wanted to rush home, put on their pajamas and crawl under their covers.
Have you ever felt
that way?
Stop looking for another job
Instead, create
a life that honors who you are and your gifts to the world. Write down on a piece of paper, “The way I feel about myself is______________.”
Change the parts of your life that are no longer useful to you.
amazing! finally! this is
something I've been saying for years, but finally!!!! hurray!!! read the story by clicking the underlined title of the article!
Dads’ comments may push girls toward bulimia: Parental criticism & weight worries affect daughters from young age
So many of us are held prisoner by others; our bosses,
our parents, our spouses and society about who we should be and the role we should play out in life.
Just remember, you are the only one who can change the role in your own one act play called life. It doesn’t come from thinking you should change or hoping for some better luck.
It comes from creating the life that works just right for you.
Your work is a center point of your life. Last week I met an executive whose
company sold electronic parts. I asked him if he loved his work and all his travel. He said he actually didn’t like it at all. His plan someday was to spend his time in the mountains doing something around his love of skiing.
I knew what the real problem was. He lived a life of big screen TVs, large
trophy cars and lots of toys. He couldn’t actually imagine giving any of these up in trade for his dreams.
Don’t prostitute yourself to your work
I am sorry but
it’s the best example that comes to mind. So many of us do this. We rent our lives and our souls to faceless work that
we do without question.
And the result is that we feel worse about ourselves and who we are.
The path to
a life of integrity is an open and honest review of who you are and what you want.
Are you a job title or a person?
When someone asks you what you do, how do you answer?
Do you respond with your job title or a description of who you are?
There are so many jobs
out there and most of them wouldn't be done unless people were paid to do them. After 40, it’s time to take a
deeper look at doing work that warms the soul; work that solves real problems in the world.
Is
your work making a difference in the world?
Only you can answer
this question. Most jobs are created only to help an organization turn a profit. If you can’t contribute to this
mission, then the organization will find someone else, probably younger, who can.
After 40, you're
ready to stop these silly games with your life and find your vocation - the work you will start to do and continue doing until
you stop breathing.
On the day of my 50th birthday
I write this article on the day of my 50th birthday and frankly, I couldn’t think of a better way to start
my day. I plan to continue this work for the next 50 years because in some small way, I feel it makes a difference in the
world. And along the way it also helps me feel better about myself. Consider making these your goals, too.
How do you feel about yourself?
Only you can answer this question. Only you can start to take action towards doing something about
the answers you don’t like.
Start by examining your work.
This will be
the hardest thing you'll ever do. But it'll also be the most satisfying when you look back over the second half of your life and realize you ignored the status quo and followed your heart.
 
Sense & Sensitivity - in an insensitive world
Thomas Eldridge
All your life you thought something was wrong with you. You were uncomfortable around noise. No one understood your need to be alone. You seem to know things without being told. The good news is that you aren't dysfunctional. You're a highly sensitive person (HSP).
You aren't the only one; you share this trait with at least 20% of the population who are referred to as shy
or touchy.
HSP's respond strongly to external stimuli
and become exhausted from taking in and processing these stimuli. They're born with a nervous system that sees, hears, smells
or feels more than others. As adults, they also think, reflect or notice more than others.
The processing is largely unconscious or body-conscious. HSP's grow up feeling flawed, especially when loud
music, crowds of people, or simply a busy day stresses them.
At such times, they need quiet time alone to recover.
Problems can begin in childhood if their sensitivities aren't recognized. They can be deeply traumatized, even in the womb. They may know that they aren't wanted. The baby is more
peaceful when alone.
Certain people terrify them, toy mobiles upset them, rocking irritates them and changes in weather make them restless. They may be colicky and their digestive systems may not tolerate food that's too hot or too
cold.
If the needs of the baby are ignored the child becomes insecure.
Sensitive babies are also very creative and aware. They may walk early or smile a lot. When they begin to crawl they search out ways to alleviate their apprehension. When
old enough, they spend time alone to regain their balance and energy.
This hyper-awareness to their environment makes HSP's cautious. They aren't known for their rash actions. They
foresee the consequences of words and actions. Any kind of change can be difficult. HSP's can feel happy in their hearts on a joyous occasion but are unable to express it.
They're seen as inhibited or unsociable. They don't like social situations and prefer having deep intimate conversations
with someone.
Rather than forcing themselves to fit in and be more outgoing HSP's need to learn to appreciate their sensitivity in non-stimulating ways. Developing boundaries for safety and comfort becomes important. If they're sensitive to bright fluorescent lights, chemical odors or certain kinds of people, HSP's need to use their creativity to find ways
to avoid such stimuli.
HSP's often try to hide themselves. They rarely appreciate
that many other people also have their traits. Sharing quiet meals and talking about spiritual matters can become intimacy
heaven. Accepting that they really do enjoy long walks in nature, rather than tennis matches, alleviates stress.
Their tendency towards withdrawal presents unique difficulties in relationships. HSP's turn inwards for protection
against what they're experiencing. Relationships of mutual respect provide a safe, consistent haven of acceptance.
HSP's must be wary of being people-pleasers. A lack of self-esteem can turn into a habit of satisfying the needs of the other person. They can end up feeling overwhelmed and alone in a relationship they can't let go of.
A sensitive person’s ability to pick up subtle cues and ambivalence in the unconscious processes
of the other can affect communication in relationships. Even though they can tune into what's going on, they either can’t
say it, or they blurt out a negative judgment. At these times, they're acting out their own past experiences of being humiliated
for their sensitivities.
The way out of this dilemma is to become more conscious of their habitual reactions and to take more time out
to be alone. They need partners to accept this strategy. They may require an entire night’s sleep to be clear enough to express how they feel about an issue.
HSP's appreciate intimacy. They actually prefer talking about their feelings and spirituality but often believe no one else is interested. An open and sharing relationship – preferably with another HSP – can be of great benefit in providing awareness of what does and doesn’t work.
This applies to both the spiritual-social areas and the physical body. Entertainment and excitement aren't what holds a sensitive relationship together. HSPs are more interested in deepening their self-awareness and never become bored of listening to their partner’s dreams.
A sensitive partner will notice subtle changes in the other’s mood or behavior. HSP's are very sensitive to food and physical environments. Food needs to be looked at from a different viewpoint than the food rules of the government. Not all foods are going to be equally tolerated
by their body.
Stimulating substances such as alcohol, coffee, sugar and junk food are usually highly toxic to an HSP. Diets
need to be tailor-made and regularly modified. There are no right diets that sensitive people can follow permanently. Their level of sensitivity is anything but static and rigid.
It requires a change in attitude to accept the fascinating refinement process continually being experienced by their body / mind / spirit. Generally, simple, frequent
meals work best. Once HSP's stop trying to be like the strong and tough extroverts, they often develop a keen interest
in and gratitude for their consciousness, which benevolently takes them into unexplored realms.
These complex inner realms, largely avoided by others, become their individuated paths to wholeness and happiness.
Elements of a Relationship - Do We Even Have Them Ourselves?
By Alisa Chagnon
We all know what we need & want out of a loving, healthy relationship. There may be a slight variance; however,
there are some basic solid principles that stand up to create relationship guidelines.
It's occurred to me, that perhaps the reason it's so difficult for people to find a long-term,
meaningful & satisfying relationship is that we're asking for things that we can't even give to ourselves.
If we expect another person to follow these “guidelines” & fit into the mold of what we conceive
of as a loving partner, shouldn’t we begin by having a fabulous relationship with ourselves?
Let’s look at 5 of the basic requirements of what should be in place for a relationship to take off &
possibly lead to marriage. Honesty, respect, loyalty, physical attraction & a fun loving enthusiastic personality.
Let’s
breakdown these 5 characteristics & see where it leads us.
Honesty: perhaps one of the most important elements of a trusting & loving relationship. If you're in a relationship with a person
who doesn't possess a high standard of honesty, you'll never be able to fully trust them.
When in a relationship, we should be able to completely & unequivocally believe everything that our partner
tells us.
If a person lies, you mind as well be having a fake & meaningless conversation.
Are you even honest with yourself? When you’re out clothes shopping & you have acquired
more than a handful of clothes, do you tell yourself that it’s alright to add the bill to your credit card & that
you deserve to splurge, (despite that fact that your way over your head in debt)?
Are you in out of relationships & in each instance you tell yourself that the other person
was at complete fault, that you had absolutely no contributing factors for any of the breakups that you’ve endured?
Do you sometimes find yourself yelling at a loved one & you tell yourself that you had every right to make
them feel horrible? If any of these apply to you, you're not even honest with yourself. How can you expect the person of your next relationship to be honest to you?
Respect: a word that calls for attention. No one in their right mind would be happy if someone disrespected them. How many of you
have spent a night of drinking with friends during the week, woke up the next day with a splitting headache & wanted to
or did call into work sick?
Did you then tell yourself that you are just fine, you do not drink too much & you have everything under
control? When it’s late at night, you’re starving & about to reach into the fridge for a snack, do you tell
yourself that it’s not a big deal if you eat half that pint of ice cream, even though you're on a diet for health reasons?
As you take a deep drag off of your cigarette, do you tell yourself that you’ll quit “someday”
, that you’re just fine for now & cancer is something that you only need to think about in the future?
If any of these apply to you then you do not have complete respect for yourself. And once again, how can you
expect a person in a relationship to have show respect?
Loyalty: A key element in
any relationship. If we don’t have loyalty from another person, we can not truly feel safe in the relationship. How
many of you have worked for a company & declared your loyalty to that company & then gave your 2 weeks notice when
a position opened up elsewhere that paid more money?
How many of you have never cheated on another person? By this, cheating will be defined by kissing another,
have a secret meeting for lunch or dinner, phone calls, or yes, even sex, while in a relationship with anyone. If any of these
apply to you, you haven't displayed loyalty. And now you're asking for it from someone else?
Physical
attraction: A needed component of a healthy relationship. We have instilled in us certain needs that make us attracted
or not attracted to another person. If we're in a relationship, we certainly want to feel a high attraction to the other person,
which leads to a great sex life & a general feeling of compatibility.
What's your perception of yourself? When you glance in a mirror, do you think about the wrinkles
you see? When you’re getting dressed, do you try on 10 different outfits because you feel that the first 9 made you
look fat?
Do you grimace at the thought of parading around the beach in a bikini because you think that everyone in the
world should look “model perfect”? No one can look like a model, except for models! Even then, if you knew the
makeup, hair stylists & airbrushing that was involved you'd understand that they don't even look like themselves in “real
life”.
If any of the above applies to you, you don't have a good self-image &d/or you have low self-esteem.
If you aren't even attracted to yourself, do you think it’s fair to expect your partner in the relationship to be great
looking & be attracted to you?
They look at clues that you exude, ie: self-confidence and it helps gauge their opinions of your
looks. Start appreciating the unique person that you are.
Lastly, a fun loving, enthusiastic
personality. No one in a relationship wants to spend a large amount of time with someone who is boring, dull & unable
be fun companions. Do you dread waking up in the morning because you hate your job?
Alternatively, do you love your career & concentrate on it so much, leaving very little time
for fun in your life?
Do you run thru your chores at home complaining about the never-ending mess on the floor, laundry that never
seems to go away & dishes that seem to appear out of nowhere?
Do you go thru the food store as fast as possible, no smile on your face & a “get out of my way “expression?
If you spend most of your life annoyed at things & you don’t take time out to appreciate
life, how can you be a fun partner in a relationship & at the same time expect the other person to be one?
Life’s is far from perfect, but to be someone’s “special” love, you need
to slow the heck down & realize that having a bad outlook on life is going to get you nowhere.
Honesty, loyalty, respect, physical attraction & a great personality:
Do
you want these elements in a perspective relationship?
If so, ask yourself a very important question. If you can't have a good relationship with yourself, how can
you expect to find one with another person?
we all need a little gem of wisdom from
time to time...
And a man said,
"Speak to us of Self-Knowledge."
And he answered, saying: Your
hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights. But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always known in thought. You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your
dreams.
And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea; And the treasure of your infinite depths
would be revealed to your eyes. But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure; And seek not the depths of your
knowledge with staff or sounding line. For self is a sea boundless and measureless.
Say not, "I have found the
truth," but rather, "I have found a truth." Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul
walking upon my path." For the soul walks upon all paths. The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.
from: The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
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You are a Perfect You
By Dave Schmitz-Binnall
There is really only
one goal in life, that is, to be you and to be you as well as you possibly can. Over the
20 odd years that I’ve been working with people on how to improve their lives I still find it exciting to see the way in which everything seems to start falling into place for them, once they find their true self and begin living out of that.
The problem is, most of us spend our lives trying
to live up to what we think is expected of us – by society, parents, teachers, ministers etc.
As the great Carl Rogers
put it, we aren't born into the world alienated from ourselves. The alienation is a product of years of subtle conditioning by a society that, from a very early age,
makes it clear that there are certain expectations of how ‘a person like you’ should be.
The punishments for
failure to conform to this can be harsh indeed.
We are, in fact, born into the world as a perfect us. Uniquely talented and gifted - endowed with everything we need for a successful, happy fulfilled life. Thankfully, though this person gets buried or suppressed, he/she is still there, it isn't possible to destroy it.
Now I don’t mean to imply that making the return journey to yourself is easy, or painless.
However, I can promise you that you'll like who you really are. Sure, there’ll be some parts that you’ll want
to work on, but they’ll be so much easier to accept, rather than being ashamed of them.
Not only will you like ‘you’, but you'll also discover that
the true you has skills, talents and abilities you didn’t know about. As you begin to live out of this true self, you'll find that you start to feel a new and deeper sense of self-belief, self respect, self-confidence, peace and fulfillment.
This won’t
mean that you have to rebel against, or reject your current way of life and values. You'll just find it easier to identify what's important and what isn't. You’ll be free from trying to make everyone like you; instead, you'll be able to accept people as they are and your only expectation is that they respect you.
I've only scratched the surface of this subject. I've deliberately not tried
to explain in detail how we become alienated from ourselves and how we can make the return journey to ourselves, because there's not enough space here to do it properly.
However, I hope that I've given you a flavor of how exciting and freeing this can be. Also I hope that I've begun to allay some of your fears – after all it’s only a case of allowing your true self to do what it already knows how to do – Be You!
sup·press:
- To put an end to forcibly; subdue.
- To curtail or prohibit the activities of.
- To keep from being revealed, published, or circulated.
- To deliberately exclude (unacceptable desires or thoughts) from the mind.
- To inhibit the expression of (an impulse, i.e.); check: suppress a smile.
The Silent Witness By Jan Campbell-Thompson
Not
of the Blood
Not of the Land
No Gaelic
No outstretched Hand
I’m sure
you’ve all heard the words, “History is only a matter of interpretation.”
As they emerged out of an unconscious place the words in my introductory poem above
spoke my interpretation of life, my personal myth as an adopted person. When they came through me some 12 years ago I had
no real understanding of the intensity of my feelings in relation to both my adoption and what I’ve come to feel and speak of as my original loss; that of my birth mother.
Whether adopted or not it would appear an intrinsic human need to acknowledge, to ritualize the important stages of transition encountered during our unique journey and life experiences: birth, naming, first day at school, pubescence,
birthdays, marriage, death, etc.
However for those of us impacted, in whatever way by adoption, not only is there
no widely spoken shared understanding of our experience and more importantly our loss, but there's no societally acknowledged ritual (I haven’t found one, instead I’ve created them), that
enables us to acknowledge, understand, mourn and integrate that loss and moving on from that encourages a celebration of the joys experienced within our adoptive families.
It's my belief that unmourned loss is the unspoken curse carried by all whose lives have been affected by adoption. I might add that I don't
use the word curse lightly.
Thinking of writing about loss I found myself feeling afraid. Examining that fear, I felt it to be a fear of exposure; exposure to what, to my self, my vulnerability or is it the exposure of my loss not just to the world, but to myself?
As I meditated on this fear, the word to emerge was - Judgment. I realized that no matter where or from whence the feeling of judgment came, it placed me again in what felt like a very tenuous position.
The position,
the ‘place’ of original loss which within the emotional memory of the baby I once was, meant psychic death. The
talons of the fear that grips me, are a bodily reminder of my earliest experience of separation, loss and the possibility of not only psychic,
but physical death.
I wondered if there were voices attached to My Fear and I returned to the Scotland of my childhood and two dour strict authoritarian people - Great Aunt Jessie, Uncle Dan, -
who made me feel that my very existence was a bother.
"Get out of here you brown brute," the only words ever spoken to me by a man more
accustomed to communicating with his dogs and sheep than with human beings. It wasn't until the mid 1980's on a trip back to Lewis, my island in
the North Atlantic, that I discovered some of the reasons behind their behavior, why my presence disturbed them so.
The great aunt and uncle whose coldness and denial made my childhood quite
miserable, had in their youth - probably in the 1920's - had a child 'out of wedlock' and given her up for adoption. They
had subsequently married, so in essence the child was 'given up' for nothing.
Not really for nothing within that Presbyterian society, but in order to comply with
the self-righteous, puritanical mindset that governed the life of everyone on that bleak and barren little island. As the
adopted child of their beloved niece, I was the physical manifestation of both the island's collective and Dan and Jessie's
worst nightmares, their guilt, as well as their own hidden unspoken sexuality and passion.
I hated to be left with them, to be without my mother amidst that palpable denial.
I'm not suggesting for a moment that any of this behaviour was conscious, but somewhere they felt that if I and my individuality
were denied, suppressed, discouraged, I wouldn't be such a visible, saw to their wounds.
There was no physical or sexual abuse, nothing tangible to grip onto and no words,
no language, no place for me, that child, to go to speak my experiences freely or to have them heard.
Although it occurred long before I had any (verbal)
language for it, loss and I became attached. After all it was all that remained of my both birth mother and later, my adoptive
mother - who died when I was 14. It became my closest and most constant companion. The truth was loss became my Mother.
As you might imagine, this attachment played itself out,
perpetuated itself in my relationships. I was addicted to loss. Because I had to maintain the status quo – that I'd ultimately be left alone - I of course chose partners / friends / relationships of all kinds whose intrinsic way of being would ensure my required
outcome - LOSS.
The intense impact of my early experience lived with me preventing me from integrating
my body, my emotionality and my intellect. Yes, all these aspects functioned, but not together. I was caught in a bind –
If I allowed myself to acknowledge, then everything might just crumble, I might disintegrate.
Too young to have any language for my experience I couldn’t ‘articulate
’ the psychic mark, but over the years, particularly at moments of stress, my body ‘spoke’ to me and the world.
Often I had asked myself –
“ what's worse than the loss of one’s mother?” Repeatedly my inner voice responded, “the loss of one’s
child.” A mother myself I recognize the flag of that truth as it resonates and continues to fly over me.
Human children are all dependent upon their primary caregivers for longer than any other living creature on this Earth. What happens to the child and the
mother when that intrinsic human need is denied?
In more ways than we can ever imagine, grief, feelings of profound loss and often depression accompany that separation. To differing degrees we all experience these emotions when ‘separating out’ from our parents in the process of ongoing development.
For the adopted child these events can reopen the original wound, a pain for which the adopted child often doesn’t have language/words.
Psychotherapist
and Writer Alice Miller, felt that ‘depression is the inability to grieve.’ Just because the loss is disavowed: “I’m fine, I’ve been really lucky, I could have ended up in
an orphanage, I’m really grateful, my adoptive parents love me very much;” or isn’t spoken of at all, doesn’t mean it goes away.
Instead it appears uninvited at the most inauspicious moments impacting us repeatedly
just like the 13th fairy in the tale of Sleeping Beauty, until some kind of acknowledgment, grieving, mourning and re-awakening can take place.
The King ‘forgot’ to invite
the 13th Fairy to the christening party of his beautiful, long-awaited and much loved princess. Each fairy bestowed a gift
upon the child: health, happiness, cleverness, etc, until the time came for the 12th to speak. At that moment, the 13th, very
angry and uninvited fairy, burst into the room.
“You shall have my gift, although I wasn’t invited to the christening.”
Turning to the baby she said, “when you're 15 you shall prick your finger with a spindle and fall down dead.”
Fortunately the 12th fairy who hadn’t yet given her gift was able to relieve
the intensity of the curse – instead of dying, the princess fell into a deep sleep. In her sleep she dreamed of being
awakened by the kiss of a loved one. Mourning our loss can help us to cut down the thorny briars on the road to our re-awakening.
As a practicing therapist I've heard myself say to clients, “It isn’t enough to understand your story at a conscious level, an inner bodily ‘knowing’ is a crucial element of the understanding.” I was reminded of this when along with the increasing clarity regarding my relationship to loss and a conscious working towards giving up my need for lack, came another bodily experience; one which I can’t say was welcome - my hair began falling out.
My (wisdom) body – the one holding those earliest memories, had to find its way to express the loss which had occurred
before there was language for it. Reading this now you may think it all sounds too esoteric, exaggerated, extreme, but it's how I have come to speak and understand my experience. It's my personal truth.
Mourning can’t take place until the loss is acknowledged, but how do we mourn something we’ve lost when more often than not and for myriad reasons – fear of hurting someone, fear of rejection, plain old denial - our loss can’t be acknowledged?
Birth parents, adoptive parent/s and the children are locked into a psychic triangle,
which they can do no more than bear silent witness to. Regardless of place and time the beginning of each relationship in
this complex triangle encompasses loss.
The Mother who for whatever reason relinquishes her child believing it to be the ‘best’ situation for all concerned; the child who is adopted into another family not of his/her
blood and the adoptive family who possibly are unable, or choose not, for a multitude of complex reasons to have their own
children – all in their own way can’t allow the adoption to be spoken of or if they do, it isn't actually ‘seen’
or spoken of in its entirety.
Even after their death, my personal desire not to hurt my parents, in reality my fear of their rejection, of again experiencing my original abandonment pervaded my life and prevented me from truly examining exactly what being adopted meant for me.
In a dream I heard the words, “What's the dream held within the emotional experience of the child?”
I think for me the dream was to know that we can move beyond the loss, beyond that gap.
I’d
like to share with you a Wise Woman’s gift I'll always treasure.
“You know loss isn’t the only
legacy from your birth mother, Jan.” “ Really, I said, what else then?” and then she said, “She gave
you breath.” With that gift there was an ending… and a beginning.
Instead
of focussing upon the loss I can focus upon the breath and continuously bring myself back to it and express thanks.
Yes, ritual, visualization, therapy, studies and my ongoing work as a therapist have all played a part in my awareness and understanding, but Wise Friends, quiet moments and the simplest words are the greatest gifts to anyone on life’s journey.
The Silent Witness has had life breathed into her.
Author's Bio
Jan Campbell-Thompson's childhood fascination with myth
and story, developed in between the pages of her life as an adopted child, into an adult search for an understanding of the
myth of herself.
Throughout a life-time's travel and wandering through Europe, North Africa, the Middle East and Mexico,
Jan discovered just how important is the mythic essence to the human story.
Jan earned her undergraduate degree (psych
major) in the United States, where her studies in aspects of myth, archetypal psychology and anthropology reflected some of
her own personal search. Jan undertook her psychotherapy training at the Churchill Clinic in Perth where she has studied since
1997. Jan is authorised to practice as a therapist and is now in the final stages of working towards her Graduate Diploma
in Psychotherapy.
In addition to running workshops for individuals and organizations, Jan has a private practice in
Mt Lawley, Perth, Western Australia.
Use Communication To Release Another Person’s Upset
- by Bill Ferguson
When someone is upset at
you, the most important thing you can do is to get their upset communicated. Get it said. Get it out in the open.
As
long as an upset is kept inside, it does damage. The person creates distance and destroys love. The moment an upset is communicated,
the upset loses power. The distance disappears and the experience of love returns.
To see this in your life, find a
time when you were upset and you communicated what you were upset about. You got it off your chest. Now notice what happened
to your upset. It lost power and went away.
Being able to communicate and release upsets is one of the keys to having
a relationship work. Unfortunately, we interact in a way that makes this almost impossible. Instead of encouraging communication,
we discourage it.
We don’t want to hear that people are upset at us. We don’t like people pointing at our
responsibility. We don’t like looking at certain aspects of ourselves. We don’t want to hear what people have
to say. So we resist their communication.
We argue with people and tell them that what they say is not true. We tell
them that they’re wrong and that they shouldn’t feel the way they do. Sometimes we even attack. we’ll do
anything rather than hear a communication that we don’t like.
We act as though the person’s upset will
somehow disappear if we don’t listen to it. Obviously, this doesn’t happen.
If someone is upset at you,
keeping the upset from being communicated certainly won’t make it go away. Suppressing an upset only makes it worse.
The upset gets stronger and now the person has a new upset for having been suppressed.
When someone can’t communicate
an upset directly, the upset will be communicated indirectly. The person may have an affair or just be resentful. One way
or another, the upset will always be communicated.
It’s much better to get an upset communicated directly than
indirectly.
To the extent that you are able to understand and appreciate someone’s upset, the upset loses power
and no longer needs to be expressed.
Resisting a communication also produces more conflict. When you resist what someone
says, that person must then either suppress the communication or communicate the upset more forcefully.
When the upset
is said more forcefully, you feel threatened and resist even more. Then both of you become more frustrated and more upset.
This
is what happens in any argument. Both of you are resisting what the other is saying. If either one of you would stop resisting
and hear the other person’s communication, the argument would end.
The key to releasing someone’s upset
is to have the other person say whatever he or she is upset about. Let the person get the upset off his or her chest.
Ask
what the person is upset about. Have the person tell you how he or she feels. Pull the upset out. Get it said.
If
the person is ranting and raving, that’s fine. it’s much better to have the upset expressed than to have it kept
inside. Keep pulling the upset out.
Listen to what the person has to say and listen to the communication from his or
her point of view. You don’t have to like what’s being said or even agree. You don’t have to do anything.
Just listen.
"Yes, you are angry. You feel I let you down. You hate me. Yes, I understand. I don’t blame you.
Is there anything else?
The communication may not be true, but it’s true to the other person, and that’s
what counts.
The more you can appreciate and understand what someone is upset about, the more the upset disappears.
it’s just like taking the wind out of a sail.
By having the other person release his or her upsets, you can
remove the distance and restore the love in your relationship.
This article was taken from the book, How To Heal A Painful Relationship.
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